Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ending to a chapter..

I know that I had not planned to blog again until next week, but I am back at my house tonight...alone........and I am missing my family, my hubby and my dog. This week has been a whirlwind and I am exhausted.

I am still in a state of shock of what all has happened in the last few days and it still doesn't feel real.

Hubby and I had been up to my parents house on the 3rd and part of the 4th to spend some time with my family. I knew my Grandpa did not look good on the 4th, but I had no idea that I would be turning around and heading back to my parents house the very next day. I look back on that day now and wish I had just spent a few more minutes with him in the living room. I am dealing with regrets and the realization that all of my grandparents are gone.

I was so blessed to have all 4 of my grandparents through out my life up until I was in college. However, losing 3 of them in the last two years has been so difficult. As my sister described on her blog, we are numb.

I have been numb since Sunday. I can't hardly describe it. Hubby and I were suppose to leave on vacation to see"Y" on Monday morning. After being notified of Grandpa passing away, I asked hubby to go ahead to Idaho to spend the week there and I would stay behind to attend the service and spend time with family. I know that is what Grandpa would have wanted as he loved them both and thought it was so important for those two to spend time together. This was a difficult decision for both of us, because Grandpa meant so much to my hubby and my Grandpa thought so much of him. They related to one another.

So here I sit tonight at home..I am suppose to be packing for tomorrow. As I am scheduled to leave on a plane at 6:00 am and join my hubby and Y in Idaho. I am exhausted....I have been running on adrenaline for the past few days...and I am all of a sudden feeling like I am crashing. Tears are flowing and I can't seem to get anything accomplished. I know I should go to bed, but I need to get packed first.

I am sitting here hoping and praying for the strength and energy to get through vacation this week. Y is playing in a baseball tournament this weekend....so I know that should keep my mind preoccupied. I just don't feel like putting a happy face on and pretending all is okay when it isn't.
I am wondering if I made the right decision in joining them as I don't want to be a downer.

I am not sad about my Grandpa. I know he is in a better place and he is no longer in pain. As we told the pastor last night, he had his heart broken twice - Once when my Aunt Lynnette died and the second time was when my Grandma died. He was never the same after. I am sad for my siblings and my cousins. As Grandpa was our last grandparent to leave us. No more grandparents...it just feels strange to think about it...I miss them all.

Another chapter in my life has ended and this one I don't like.

1 comment:

Rachael said...

I am so very sorry that you are hurting. No words will make it go away...I can say I know how you feel. It's been three years this past week since I lost my first grandparent. I have regrets too...but I don't have the peace of knowing that he is in a better place.
I love you and I pray for comfort. I know that you feel that a chapter has ended...but your book is not done...you still have several chapters to go.