Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Not perfect.

This life of mine is not perfect…warning…this posting is not going to be a happy post…nor is it a post where I am wanting sympathy or pity…it is simply a post where I need to unload and get something’s off my chest. If I offend you….I apologize….but as I was speaking with my sister last night I realized this is MY blog and I can choose to write about whatever I wish….so if you choose to not read any further…that is just fine with me. She also told me about a statistic that they were given at the marriage retreat that they went to that women who hold their thoughts in end up causing damage to their heart….so here I am…ready to let it all out.

I was thinking about not posting any of this…because I know so many people are going through so much harder trials in their lives than mine…but that is just it…we all are struggling with issues in our lives…and these are mine.

Maybe some of you will relate to parts of what I am going through…and maybe some will not…and I am ok with both….but you see….LIFE IS NOT PERFECT….I AM NOT PERFECT…and I see so many people out there going on and pretending that it is….and I am about to be real with y’all.

June is starting off to not be a very pleasant month for me. I am frustrated, tired, emotional, confused, feeling lost and trying to hold it all together. I am feeling like God is a million miles away and I am begging for him to draw me close to him…and I just can’t seem to feel or sense his presence.

Have you ever had one of those days…weeks…months…where it just seems like you are just moving along and merely just existing??….well…that has been me lately. The church that I have been attending is wonderful…great pastors…staff….members….but I am just not feeling like I am being fed by God’s word as deeply as I would like and I feel that I need a place where I can get involved in a women’s group that will pray with me…and be a support group to me through this crazy life of mine. There are so many great women groups out there…but so many of them are made for moms….and that isn’t me…in fact sometimes it is very difficult to be around…more brutal honesty…I have a husband who doesn’t want to have a child with me. (you might ask….why…he has given every excuse in the book…I have prayed about it..and over the topic…but am exhausted from asking God to change his mind). I know so many women out there who are trying to get pregnant and wanting a family of their own…and my thoughts and prayers are with them…but when your hubby doesn’t want to raise a family with you is an indescribable feeling of hurt. I love my hubby so much and wouldn’t trade my life with him…but there are days where it just sinks to the bottom of my stomach and stings.

And the older I get…the more I realize that having a child of my own…really might not happen. You see…that is why it was so important for me to move back home to live closer to my sister….if I am not going to have a child of my own…then I want a close relationship with my nephew….and ever time I hear him call me “NAYNA”…my heart jumps with joy and my eyes fill with tears because he wants me. I love that little guy so much.

And so I am on the hunt for a new church. This is a difficult decision for me, as some of you may know; my hubby will not attend church with me…and is a very sticky topic with the two of us…which makes this decision to search for a new church home even more difficult. It is not easy doing it alone…but then I look back at how many cities I have lived in and how many times I have hunted on my own before…so I know with God’s strength…I can do it again.

I am also struggling with my job…I have no desire to work where I am…my desire is to be at home…and be a homemaker…and I am praying that God will motivate me and take away this desire of mine…as I have a hubby who isn’t happy with his job and I am not sure he is very happy with life at all…and I am trying to remain positive and be encouraging and supportive..but there are times that I want to scream at the top of my lungs . I told y’all…I am just being honest…I often feel like all things are my fault..no matter what they are…and I try to make everything okay…when in reality..the only one who can do that is God.

I know…you all wanted to know how the expo went….it went ok…nothing to write home about…most people haven’t heard of Thirty-One…so we passed out a lot of catalogs…but this is another issue I am wrestling with right now…having a full time job and a part time job is absolutely exhausting.

This morning began with me crying….oh don’t you love days where your emotions are out of control?! Good grief!! I was a mess….I ran upstairs and grabbed my makeup bag…and ran into my craft room…grabbed my Grandma box…and searched for two letters from her….and I brought them with me to work today.. I can not tell you how thankful I am that my Grandma wrote to me. Words of encouragement she always gave me….even when life seemed overwhelming.

One of the items I picked up was an article she had sent to me called Murphy’s Law and she had attached a note. I had just gotten off the phone with her and she and my Grandpa had read this story and thought of me. She knew that I needed to read it...and this morning...I needed to read it again. I will post it separately.

So there you have it…what has been going on with me. If you could lift up my hubby and I in your prayers I would appreciate it…we are having a hard week….I know…tomorrow will be better…if you need prayer..I will be happy to pray for you too..I know we all could use it.

Thanks for listening...no responses are needed...just needed to unload.

As my Grandma always closed her letter...I will close my post with this.

May God's heavenly angels surround you all the time wherever you are.


Rachael said...

D, I am sorry that you are going through some valleys right now. I won't say that I understand, but I can say that I will pray for you and your hubby. I pray specifically over your marriage, I will pray that you will have peace and that you will have comfort right now. I will also pray for a Church Home and good group of women that you can fellowship with. Please know that I am hear for you talk to and I will listen and not judge. Remember that I love you and God will take care of you.

B Lou said...

I never know what the heck to say when one of my close friends is experiencing pain, and I'm sorry for that. I do want you to know that I am here whenever you need someone to listen to. I will always listen to you. I will also pray for you that God will lead you in the direction you are meant to go. I love you!

abby said...

D~ You're in our prayers friend, valleys are stinkers but trust God has great plans for you! xoxo